procrastination...no sleep...

its ten to 2 in the morning. i should be asleep. i have to go be at work at nine tomorrow! agh. but im not sleepy, so im on computer, so i should be doing work at least, like my assignment about the review of the productivity commission's report on unfair terms in contracts. sound like fun? yeah no, see why im not doing it.

anyway, bf is up at office finishing stuff, videos, or something.

i have realised i have felt quite irritated towards him lately. now, some of this has been in reason, but a lot...i dont know. im not sure how to explain this, but i came to some sort of realisation today about myself that i didnt really like that much.

i read this article a couple of weeks ago and some of it really stuck with me- actually it has helped me deal with people a lot better.

we are all, essentially selfish. not always in a bad way- simply that we cant NOT be selfish, because our view of the world is our own- whether we try or not, everything does revolve around us because we literally are, the centre of our own world. everything is from out perspective, whether it is seeing, feeling, hearing or thinking. 

while some people do this better than others, mostly, it is about us.

and i have realised, that i am more selfish than i should be, particuarly in relation to bf.

for 1, its always about me. i mean, you know, how this or that impacts on me, i do try and see it from his point of view but usually it comes back to me.

also, (this sounds very umm...corny, but try not to see it that way)- i think he thinks of us as kind of 'a team'. ie, like his stuff is mine, etc, etc. do i think this way? no! mine is mine. and if i happen to do all this stuff for him one week and he doesnt, i feel resentful. but if he is doing it for me? A ok.

not cool of me, i know.

i guess i have to learn to be part of the team. and be more unselfish towards him. 

its just hard when u are the centre of your own universe haha

one word repeated over and over again

one of the things i love about bf:

he tells me im funny. he says im the funniest person he knows.

the thing is, im not really that funny, no more than the next person. i can be sightly humorous at times- but the things he laughs at, i think he finds them hilarious cos its me...most other people wouldnt like.

but he finds me funny, thats what i like.

i said the word funny many times just then. now its sounding weird to me. say it over and over and see what i mean...funny..funny.funny...

woah

ps. one thing that ANNOYS THE HELL OUT ME about him? bailing on me when we were supposed to do something cos he has to do work....grrrr

arguments and resolving them

after the bf and i had a minor disagreement today, it got me thinking. i know people go on about compromise etc when you are working together blablabla.

but what it, you are coming from two completely different viewpoints, and well...there isnt really a compromise, it is just one way or the other. does someone always have to give in? and dont they feel a bit resentful and annoyed after - is it still completely solved?

 

bf is quite stubborn- and he doesnt like apologising unless he realllly thinks he has done something wrong.

i just wonder how people successfully resolve arguments i guess- when you both think you are right, i guess, do u just leave it and move on?

 

i rang my mum and said "mum, how do you and dad resolve arguments?"

she said  (and this made me laugh)

' well usually i go away and sulk, until eventually he comes in and sorts it out (ie. talk about it, etc). i said well thats just great mum! haha.

now i know where i have got my sulking tendencies from...

end of the weeked

i was having a think and looking over some of the posts i have written, and then at my picture, and my 'about me' picture and i thought damn...anyone who even slightly knows me, would easily guess it was me. the picture is of my home town, and that cartoon has been my fb profile at one time!

i knows its kinda lame but i definitely want to be anonymous. there is no way i want my inner worries, anger, happiness and just randomness being available for people i know to read....especially bf. how could i freely talk about him the way i do here? most of the time we are great, so if i let out some irritation on here just to get it out, its harmless. if he read it, i know he would be very hurt. if i sound like we dont communicate, we do. i just like saying all the stuff that girls get a little crazy irrational and insecure about on here, that i KNOW most of the time guys dont get. 

also- bitching about his ex gf. as much as i dislike the girl, i would not want her to know this. i would hate to think she has ower over me by knowing i am insecure about her. so when i see her i smile and say hello and act perfectly normal, while really i just dont. like. her. 

so ive changed my header. i dont actually live on the great ocean road, but i love the 12 apostles and think it is just such a lovely scene. and that picture i got for my about me....i am definitely not as pretty as the cartoon girl, and i dont often wear red lipstick or a flower in my hair, but hell she has dark hair- thats good enough for me. maybe she'll inspire me to wear more flowers and red lipstick, you never know.

in other news- all moved out, unpacking going well- of course bf got a bit overexcited though and bought a HUGE tv with money neither of us really have, but i couldnt stop him. we are trying to make it look quite nice even despite the ummm how do i say 'dated' decor. the more i change though the better it looks.

now if only i could rid of this damn flu/cold/ fever i have! go away go away go away

la la la

so i usually dont go on about when im happy, more so when im sad.

i think its because im scared things might go wrong, so to go on and on about how great it is- kind of like tempting the devil (for want of a better analogy...all i could think of!)

i think i also get scared that when something goes wrong, i look like an idiot because just before i had been so happy, and now i look silly.

but to hell with it.

i am SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

i have a house! something i thought i'd be stressing about for a lot longer yet. and its a great house. and its with someone i really love. things between us are so great right now. im so excited about moving in with him.

and while there was a funny period while he got used to working for himself- its so much better now! he is just not stressed, tired, grumpy- he can do things he couldnt before. like today we went down to the beach for lunch. 

and we are going on a holiday! yes, the thing i used to complain about so often because he wouldnt do it...well, we are, in february- a while away, but thats good because i need to save money.

anyway, so maybe in a couple of days i might be annoyed at him for one reason or another...but im pretty sure it will be nothing, and for now i am just in love.

oh yuk that sounds so sappy. 

i do have one thing im not looking forward to...my friends 21st. it involves me making a speech. i DONT LIKE TRYING TO BE FUNNY IN PUBLIC. especially because well, she isnt that funny a person. i am very very scared

ex girlfriends and such

i swear the bf's ex is a freak.

ever since we have been together, there has been a longggg history of her being a weirdo and not being able to get over it, but honestly, so much has happened i cant even be bothered to go in it, it all sounds crazy.

while i didnt doubt his love for me due to her, she has managed to say things to me that made me feel soooo insecure about them...ie. going on about how they were first love (they went out for about 3 years) and just contacting him in ways that were in appropriate (i thought)

we have had ups and downs but are apparently fine now.

but one thing- at one point he deleted her off fb at one point for a reason, but now they are on reasonably good terms again (albeit he doesnt really have a wish to have contact with her). 

however, now they are back on good terms- she has tried to add him about 4 TIMES!

ridiculous.

why does she want to be friends with him sooooo badly?

she also used to put as her status updates things i knew related to him....like '... is thinking of him, how hes gone..' and '... remembers this day all too well' (a year ago on that day they broke up) jeeez give me a break. 

i mean we have been together almost 18 months now. we are moving in together. GET OVER IT. why do people feel the need so badly to be friends with their ex's? not necessarily get them back (i pretty sure she doesnt want this) but just to have contact- i get that they spent a long time together and obviously it impacted on both of them.

but if he has made it clear in the past that while being polite and friendly, he has no interest in some great friendship- WHY DOES SHE PERSIST LIKE THIS?

does she need contact with her ex that bad? or am i being not so understanding? she makes me very very uncomfortable.

anyway she has added him again (for about the 5th time) i guess this time he will add her on....

well i cant do much about it.

but it still bloody annoys me!

UPDATE

i happened to be there when he checked it and he said 'i dont want to be friends with her?'

'ignore'.

HA. i still dont understand her though. i almost feel a little sorry for her?

relief

phew, bf likes the house.

having checked it out again i can say it wa slightly different to how i remember...very retro kind of decor, like oldish kitchen and the wallpaper...hmmm. carpet iffy as well- but we can cover that. and its so BIG. i completely forgot about one of the rooms! so big. anyway he says its cool, and is excited, so i can kinda breathe a sigh of relief and

work on making it look lovely and nice and homely.

so it a good day today.

not so good? i am getting strange chest pains and they are bloody painful...im so confused cos its not indigestion...and im only 20..surely im not having a heart attack?!

i want them to go away so i dont have to go to the doctor! agh