exams

exam time. exam time is a curious one for me. i spend all semester thinking of it with a drop of my stomach, for that is the time when i am judged, and if not seen worthy i am not sure what will happen. failure isnt really an option, i never have and the thought of it makes me cringe, if not simply dreading have to do a subject again. it also would expose me as not being that smart person i claim to be, HELLO i am studying law, etc??? when really i dont think im that smart at all. i used to, but spending ur time with those prepared to study ten times harder and use their brain power to a much larger extent does that to u. i am not as smart as i think i am, or was.

So why, still do i procrastinate to the point of ridiculous? i dont rememebr this in school. sure i procrastinated, but i did my work. i am finding it hard to get any study done, or nothing that is productive. i have days and days just to do it, and yet it is impossible. perhaps it is too boring? maybe it is my trepidation about law holding me back. or just plain laziness and wanting to be doing something more fun.

i always wonder what i will end up doing and about my law degree. the idea of being a corporate lawyer, working into the night and making partner in some 20 years time is possibly the most unappealing idea ive ever heard, not matter what the BF thinks is great. international law...sounds a little more interesting. my volunteer work whcih im planning on doing could help this cause. hmmmm.

i just feel a little unsure about where its all going. but first. to pass these exams. is it possible????

IT HAS TO BE

birhday times

it was my birthday yesterday. i had a fun day, weekend really, starting on fri night with dinner with friends (some of who had not met or not really knowing eachother, it was nice to join them together) and continuing on through the wknd. i had disappointment, because i didnt get what i hoped i might from the bf (still holding out for the thing he told me wasnt going to happen) but ive come to realise that perhaps, i was expecting too much. he did try, and it was sweet. sometimes, having expectations just means that 99 % of the time, youll be worse off, rather than just happy. i think i need to let go of things more. just enjoy, rahter than analysing and worrying. but how to stop...hmm
another thing on my mind, especially after this wknd, is my exam prep (or lack of). i cant imagine failing....i need to work harder. nothing ive done is harder or more complicated than this LOC though!! i feel like i need to non stop work from now on and really put my head down. but next wknd is sooobusy as well...aghhh
when i can, maybe later today, i think i might make a letter from my future self, like marissa's.
maybe similar to my bucket list, perhaps with more advice
xxx