i watched a movie called 'butterfly on the wheel' last night.

yes, i am a big movie buff. although the bf is even bigger, and we watch a lotttt of movies together.

so B.O.A.W.

i liked it better than he did. so many twists and turns, although it was easy to keep up i suppose. nevertheless i did enjoy trying to guess what was next, who was going to pop up and what it was all really about- why the hell did Tom kidnap their poor kid?

I admit, it was slightly unsettling seeing Pierce Brosnan play such ..a bad guy. i really hated him. 

and i was suprised by how upset i was when he began destroying parts of their lives, i.e. the material parts. a bit shallow of me.

the thing about it is, i (think) i am a very logical person. as in, i think of everything that could happen and work it out what will happen next. why is why i am always thinking about my relationships and so forth- trying to work them out in a logical way (which is why i am always in strife with my thoughts- relationships ARENT LOGICAL....my brain just hasnt caught up with this yet and not sure if it ever will!)

so in movies- some people probably just involve themselves in the emotion and so on- i am always thinking of the logical. if someone destroys all a persons money or steal it, i am thinking ahead to where will they get money from? He loses his job- how will he get a new one, could he move somewhere, they could sell their house to get money, etc etc.

murder movies is where i am at my worst. someone gets murdered- i work out if they could be caught, what evidence they would need to clean up- (perhaps part of being a law student?). i cant just accept that it is a movie and so no, it hasnt happened in real life. but people DO GET murdered in real life, and people get away with it....so i am always thinking, in this situation, could they? 

or even when they are punching people up, i am thinking, assault, etc etc.

i know i know, annoying, but its all in my own head, and its just because i am always thinking. it can make movie watching frustrating at times. 

roadhouse was one movie where i was able to see- while it was illogical- you could just appreciate the events as a movie and what they were. When those girls murdered there was a little light in my brain that said 'well they wouldnt get away with that...and what about the car? will they pay the guy?' but at the same time- i completely enjoyed everything that was happening.

anyway....Butterfly on a Wheel was pretty good. i never did truly understand the name. maybe i didnt concentrate hard enough.

ding ding

note to self:
if something is extremely important and needs to be take somewhere, my brain will inevitably push it to back of my mind and cause me to forget it.
SO, i think a solution is...
to trick my brain into thinking that something important is ACTUALLY not important at all. kind of like reverse psychology. then if my brain thinks it is unimportant, it WILL remember it and will then definitely go DING!! when i see the thing i am supposed to take while i am walking out the door. or DING when i am walking to my car so i cant go back in and get it. or DING DING DING at some point before it is too late to get it and i am walking into work and A says oh did u bring ..... and i go...ooops.

Why is my brain so hopeless sometimes?

A Few Good Men

" i want THE TRUTH!"

"YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH"

ahh ive waited a long time to see this particular line, which i did last night. and it lived up to all expectations.

i saw A Few Good Men as a play when i went to watch it at another school in about year 10 and i remember being impressed. but for some reason i never watched the movie, ive always meant to...anyway i did.

it was one of those movies that went on a bit, very courtroom, and a bit slow in terms of action etc- but that was ok because you knew there was going to be one big showdown scene, one massive drama that at the end you were just going to go YES. and that made the wait worth it, better because you knew you were going to be rewarded.

and was i?

yes i think i was. because while the rest was not exactly fast paced, i was on a high and excited at the ending, so obviously it had an impacted. i think i would be more affected if i actually lived in the USA- since it was all about honour and the army and marines protection etc, which im sure some people feel very strongly about. anyway

there were some great lines, aside from the ones above:

 "you dont need a patch on your arm to have honour",

"dont call me son. I'm a lawyer and an officer in the United States Navy. And you're under arrest, you son of a bitch."

ok now how good is that?

and i have to say, i know Tom Cruise has the crazies at present, but he was a SERIOUSLY good actor back in the day. he nailed it. as did jack nicholson. he certainly knows how to play the nasty man.

all in all....4/5 stars. 

(although im probably a pretty easy marker in general)

i love my work pretty much. its in an office, high up in the city. ive worked here casually for a couple of years now. had a few problems at times (using the internet for personal stuff...facebook..whoops!). and the workers have changed over time, but now i really like everyone that works here (bar one...nasty old man who was supposed to only be here for six months,....but of course as my boss is an old man too he feels the need to keep him).
there is A- she has been my confidante and advice giver for about a year, i really love her. she recently got married, so she is a little bit older and much wiser. her now -husband can often be quite similar to the bf so she makes sense. she is also hilariously funny. we sing. she has also been through a lot of hard times, which you would NEVER know by looking at her now. at her wedding i almost teared up when she did, making her speech and thanking her parents for getting her through.
then there is L. at first look i wasnt sure what to think, well how wrong i was. dont judge a book by its cover! this long haired platinum blond pint sized package really is just a bundle of contradictions. she loves shopping, pink, and at times, socialising. at the same time she lives on a farm (hour and a bit to get to work each day!), she has a horse she loves, many other animals and she loves country music. some things can grind oh yes, stubborn as hell, her way of the highway. and she has issue with affection (ie. no big displays) but it is still hilarious. she is a funny one.
there are others worth mentioning, maybe ill leave it for another time.
then there is GOM. hate him. came in, stuck around while he shouldnt- is rude and thinks he is great. and yet boss loves him just cos he is another 'guy' like him and hes known him for a while so he must be good. uhmmmm news flash- when someone riles EVERYONE in the office and causes tension in the whole office- they arent good for it!!!! not to mention he was only supposed to be here for a limited amount of time!and doesnt do anything....
makes me annoyed just thinking about it.
but anyway. apart from him it is all good in the workplace. im lucky to be here while im doing my degree

i am hopeless at this blogging business.

but i am also beginning to like it, i mean i never didnt like it, but now i realllly like it.

at 3.30 this morning i was eating party pies and talking on facebook 'chat' to my best friend who is currently in croatia. was a rather random night i should say.

those party pies did NOT go down well though. and i dislike fb chat immensly. i mean isnt the point of facebook to write to people and write back when you feel like it? sum everything up in one nice little message or wall post in order to get rid of the frivolity? as well as that you have a choice- if you want to write back or not. no boring people bugging you, just ignore them.

but oh no, chat changes all that. suddenly people you dont really want to talk to (or you would have called them) pop up on right hand of screen 'hi how are u'. after a few minutes of meaningless chatter the damn thing stops working anyway and you go offline. usually i save the trouble and just appear offline.

HOWEVER last night i will give 1 point to fb chat. yes, it cut out about 3 times. but it also allowed me to have a (relatively) instant conversation with best friend, who i miss a lot and havent been able to speak to properly for about a month as she travels europe, except the occasional text at an odd hour of the morning. lucky next week she will be all settled into her uni in sweden and we can go on skype.

and while i am admitting fb chat wasnt so bad last night, skype will always be better!!!

im stupid?

ok ive changed it AGAIN thanks to someone obviously a better speller than me!!! seriously, arent law students supposed to be smart?!!!!obviously not this one!

and wow, that post was REALLY long before. i guess thats what happens when someone who thinks too much, then writes it out while they are thinking...writes wayyyyy too much.

gosh i should be doing  some uni work today, but i actually feel like sleeping.

honey crackles are really very great, i just had two, i wish there was more to be eaten!

i have also looked back on (most) of my posts and feel a bit depressed.

its all bf this, bf that, im sad, whine whine whatever. seriously- isnt there something else going on in my life apart from woes with me boyfriend (most of which i make up in my head- although there are a few genuine ones). the going away thing for eg. yes it sucks, but i guess its not really his fault. hes building a business. im 20. screw the boyfriend, ill go away by myself- which is what im doing next year. surely my life doesnt revolve around him!!!

so i am resolving to blog about different, other things, so that when i look back on this at another time, i dont go wow- get over yourself, and talk about something different PLEASE.

haha. ok im off for dinner. ill probably spend about half an hour deciding what to go get (no joke...)

ok i just changed it. i feel better now

warning..longgg post ahead...

this weekend:

i have the feeling i will be drinking copious amounts of alcohol

tonight- free drinks= drunk

saturday= big bday party at the place where the bf works- probably drunk

sunday= birthday night down at the beach for a friend= VERY VERY DRUNK

im almost a little scared!!!

- i will (try...not sure how successful) not to think about recent indiscretions (no not cheating, but certainly inappropriate behaviour) of stupid boyfriend who does my head in....

- i probably will think about it, but wont break up with him, because nothing is for sure, and well, to be honest, ive never broken up with anyone and im thinking i would be really bad at it- so ill just wait until i have to or things sort themselves out...(yes i am not a fan of confrontation but rather hiding away..whatever)

- i am pretty sure naieve is spelt wrong on the big 'about me'. i look at it every time i come on here and glare at it but cant be bothered to change it if it needs changing. usually i am a great speller, i used to edit all my friends homework. think ive gone downhill.

ok so i just read over this. im not sure if anyone reads this, but if u do, i guess it probably looks like i am not too happy with the bf (ever!!). thats not really true. but when i do feel upset at him, i like to write about it on here sometimes. the thing is, i dont think we are bad. well really most of the time we are fine. i am a super super sensitive person, and (as i have mentioned) i think wayyyy too much. so every day im thinking and thinking and questioning and thinking and if something isnt perfect, i think 'hmm i must not be happy'. 

after my last boyfriend broke up with me for no reason, i am constantly prepared for a breakup, and so i think about it- which means i think it will happen, making it more likely to happen. so i feel like i am unhappy a lot, but i dont think it is to do with the relationship itself, that is ok. 

i am quite insecure, and this hasnt been helped by things in the past. ie. when the bf gets drunk, which isnt that often, but a common occurence for people of my age, he tends to, how shall i say, become a different person. ie, hes not really that nice, and grumpy, like lots of guys do. and he is a flirt. he just has that sort of personality, as in, a gregarious one, which means he loves to talk and say inapproriate things to people, oh god that sounds bad- i just mean he is a fun person, to boys and girls alike, which is why i was attracted to him int he first place. the problem is, when he gets really drunk, i fear this goes a bit beyond appropriate. and im scared one day he will do something that at any other time, he wouldnt dream of doing. as in with another girl.

now before i go on, i know if someone reads this, they will probably think- what a dickhead. but the thing is, he is not. cos normally, he is committed, he speaks all the time about us being together forever and getting married and all sorts of stuff, and says he is happy with me. i know he loves me, and would be absolutely devastated if we broke up. and i really thought we would be together in a serious way. we are supposed to be moving in together, we laugh, cuddle, and get on really well. 

im just stuck at the moment because i am scared that i cant trust him when he is drunk. i want to, and i dont know if its my insecurity or him.

and i cant break up with him because of something that im not sure about but that might happen. 

and i dont want to say anything to him, because it sounds like i dont trust him- when he hasnt done anything wrong as of yet (i think)

i feel so confused as to whether just- see the flirting etc as part of his personality and harmless.

or to really think about whether i should be with him.

because i want to be, and i cant imagine not being without him, certainly not right now.

but is he the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, if he acts like that when he is drunk? should i break up with him because i can be better and happier? of is he the one for me?

it all sounds pretty full on for a 20 yr old, but really, were supposed to be moving in together, i need to think about the long term dont i.

i know i i was an outsider looking in id say...hmmm im not sure about that.

but im not, and i cant without being tied to him. 

anyway. this is so long.

even if someone was reading, im sure they have stopped by now.

but really, this isnt for anyone else, its for me, so i can make it as long as i like.

i love this country!

since i got back from my aunties in the country (by the way i actually grew up in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere...sounds weird saying 'the country' but anyway)
i have realised, while i was on a walk around a small seaside town, on a path through some bush, beach and sand dunes that it was completely deserted.
and not only that, it is so long since i have been in a place where i am just all alone, and u simply know that nobody else is there, or will be there, not while you are.
it is a feeling i had a lot, on a farm while growing up, but u never really think about it until it has been gone for a long time, and you reocgnise it again, but this time as a stranger.
it was refreshing. - it was quite cold, but i knew if i felt like it, i could pull of my clothes and go swimming, and nobody would see.
not only that, but i have been yearning to go overseas, experience different things and cultures. and funnily enough, on this walk, i was reminded of the country that i missed and really, deep down, loved. as a child, the city with its bright lights was the only place i wanted to be (and trust me i have no plans to move country permanently!) but walking along, looking at saltbush and the little plants and trees that i knew to be australia, to be uniquely rural, i kind of appreciated them for the first time. the sand dunes, the little scrubby trees, the big bounding footsteps of kangaroos that had passed before me, even finding a deserted fire spot where some locals had obviously come for a few night time drinks, it reminded me all of my own farm (where i havent been for a year at least) and it also reminded me that overseas, i wont see this.
its a hard feeling to explain, seeing the landscape as mine and feeling nostalgic about it, for i am sure a tourist from another country would look at it and think it was pretty boring. but for me, it was a wonderful feeling to look at something and feel it being familiar and yet new at the same time.
even the beach....everywhere has beaches. but do you see a deserted beach, piled with a bit of seaweed and rocks, with seagulls around having a chat, in europe? beach with no buildings next to it, simply bush sand, rocks for miles around. i dont think you do.
"i love a sunburnt country"
perhaps that statement doesnt apply to the piece of environment specifically (lots of water and greenery!) but the sentiment is the same. you have to love australia for what it is, and appreciate those small things you see, because simply lamenting what it may not have is really missing out.

babies and drunkenness

so things are (kind of) back on track with us
last week i really needed a break, so took of for a couple of days to my aunties in the country. ha, my parents asked why i didnt go visit THEM in the country, but aunty lives near the beach, 2 hours away as compared to 5!!! much easier. was lovely to see her little baby, the cutest niece in the world. makes me want one (much MUCH later on). they really are FULL TIME job, and she cant even crawl or run around yet!
anyway so i got back and it seemed fine...except saturday he got out after work and got sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo drunk ( he doesnt really drink that much really). i got a call at seven asking where the hell i was (i was at his house?!) cos he had rocked up at mine. where my dad was staying. great. he got very angry, i hadto go overthere, then he threw up. nice.
anyway he felt so bad (he was also being not very nice and aggro drunk). he has done this before. i got pretty angry yesterday and told him that we werent invincible and that if he did it again, then i wouldnt just be hanging aorund no matter what. he said he understood...we had a big talk............. etc etc. anyway things are fine for now. we have agreed not to talk about going away for a while cos he is sick of it, he cant now andthats that. but he will in a couple of years. hopefully.
anyway he is being all nice and we are going well for now. see what happens.
he even offered if i wanted to go on a break to think about things, cos i seem unhappy about things...and the durnk aggro-ness, if it makes me upset then maybe i should think. but him saying that made me realise i really really dont want to break up cos i love him.
i dont know how ill feel if he does it again, or how we will be, but for now, i definitely want to be with him. hopefully he will eventually change about the 'going away' thing, but for now its tired, and were both sick of talking about it.
i am just going to make some trips on my own!

i wish he would go back to work...

i think ive pinpointed why i feel so funny now that the bf isnt wokring, or as such, is working for himself at home 'self employed'. one is that we dont have that special when we see eachother at the end of the day anymore. hell, ive probably seen him during the day, and when i woke, whereas before it was justa glimpse in the morning and the feel of a kiss on my cheek or forehead. i used to smile and roll over back to sleep. now he is there when i wake up, when i get up, and during the day if i choose it. i hate it. theres not absence to miss, no specialness, we see eachother too much.
no more messages during the day which i used to get sometimes, about how he loved me. COS IM THERE. or im not there, but hes at home, so he doesnt miss me, he is having fun with himself.
thats the worst- at work,boring work, he would think of me and smile and think how much he loved me and how he wanted to be with me, not at work. i know this because he told me.
now, im not sure hes even thinking about me. why would you? hes sitting pretty at his desk or out and about at furniture stores and doing all sorts of exciting stuff.
and now he doesnt go to bed until the earlish hours of the morning, 2 onwards. why? because he can. cos he can sleep in until 12 or 1 or whenever he wants. and i hate it. one of my favourite things used to be going to bed together. now i go to sleep alone, lonely, and when he comes in im too hot from sleep warmth to come close to. and we are snitching and eachother and getting annoyed about general things, especailly issues that recur again and again. it is just a bad time.
it sucks so bad.
i wish he got a job again..but thats the thing- thisis his job, from now on. this is his business tha the is building. and i am supporting it, i guess the grass is just always greener on the other side.
i hope that it all works out in the end, for me and him, because i love him, but this isnt fun.