i wish he would go back to work...

i think ive pinpointed why i feel so funny now that the bf isnt wokring, or as such, is working for himself at home 'self employed'. one is that we dont have that special when we see eachother at the end of the day anymore. hell, ive probably seen him during the day, and when i woke, whereas before it was justa glimpse in the morning and the feel of a kiss on my cheek or forehead. i used to smile and roll over back to sleep. now he is there when i wake up, when i get up, and during the day if i choose it. i hate it. theres not absence to miss, no specialness, we see eachother too much.
no more messages during the day which i used to get sometimes, about how he loved me. COS IM THERE. or im not there, but hes at home, so he doesnt miss me, he is having fun with himself.
thats the worst- at work,boring work, he would think of me and smile and think how much he loved me and how he wanted to be with me, not at work. i know this because he told me.
now, im not sure hes even thinking about me. why would you? hes sitting pretty at his desk or out and about at furniture stores and doing all sorts of exciting stuff.
and now he doesnt go to bed until the earlish hours of the morning, 2 onwards. why? because he can. cos he can sleep in until 12 or 1 or whenever he wants. and i hate it. one of my favourite things used to be going to bed together. now i go to sleep alone, lonely, and when he comes in im too hot from sleep warmth to come close to. and we are snitching and eachother and getting annoyed about general things, especailly issues that recur again and again. it is just a bad time.
it sucks so bad.
i wish he got a job again..but thats the thing- thisis his job, from now on. this is his business tha the is building. and i am supporting it, i guess the grass is just always greener on the other side.
i hope that it all works out in the end, for me and him, because i love him, but this isnt fun.

confrontation and the like

Over the last month I have come to a realisation that I didn’t know was me- I don’t like fighting. Well no, wait, I knew that- but I just don’t even like confrontation, one bit. I feel funny and while I will speak about something if I am upset, I wait for ages and ages out of fear and build it up in my mind. I have on occasion practiced things, even perhaps minor, to say to the bf, because I imagine what he will say, then I, then it gets worse and worse.
I usually tend to just go quiet, withdraw, and dwell on it by myself.
It works out that we rarely, if ever, fight. Oh there are little snitches, but he doesn’t fight either or like confrontation at all- hence, it just doesn’t happen. He is pretty laidback about all things relationship- doesn’t feel the need to discuss it, as he usually thinks its fine, and im not a big relationship talker either (where are we going, etc etc..yuk). I wonder though, if this is a bad thing? Does it mean that we arenot deep enough with each other? That our relationship is too shallow?
Or does it mean we are just suited because neither of us really wants to tlak about it?
Hmmm, I don’t know. I know communication is important and all, and we DO talk, its just usually most things are fine so there is no need for these big deep and meaningfuls. Are we not open with eachother, or just not the confrontational types?

parentals

another thing..i just got a message from my mum and dad that said
'we are so proud of your achievements and the way you care about others. love mum and dad'
isnt that sweet?
compliment day is in full swing

im going to change the colour of my layout. i know im the only one who looks at this right now...but maybe in the far away future some other person will look at it. and the posts ive been writing lately, all a bit dark and depressive. that coupled with a black background, is just plain sad.
i guess it only really feel the need to write when i feel upset or uneasy about something. when im happy i dont need to. but maybe i should try to. i dont want to look back at this i think god, how much was fun i?
well one thing that made me happy today (and most days) having genki roll sushi today, i never get sick of it. mmmm their mayonnaise and prawn. i would take it over some 3 course dinner any day. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

something else that makes me happy today...seeing my baby little neice, only 2 months old. tonight. so cute.
something else- getting drunk tonight with my friend s and dance dance dance the night away.
YAY

good things

Yesterday was a bad day
Today is a little…or a lot better.
Still not sure about bf thing- moving in is questioning, cos he lost one of his jobs…very disappointing, etc etc. also annoyed about the messaging with the other girl. But hoping (in denial?) that it was innocent. She still bloody annoys me tho. Agh.

But GOOD today
Got my uni results back
- I am so proud of myself
- I overloaded (just a little) and came out good
- I worked really really hard I think
- I got something to show for it
- I proved that I can do this law degree, and now I feel a whole lot better about completing the rest of it
- I did better than two friends, each which helped me, but I never felt like I would do better (not a competitive thing, more just feeling that I am up to their standard, something I have been insecure about all semester)
- First time I have got such great marks
- Bring on next semester!

ALSO
- while I didn’t want to at first because I was so disappointed about not going with the bf, I have changed my mind, and am going to go away with cf (crazy friend) on road trip/holiday, for a short time.
- Will have fun and need a break


Now…if only bf was alllll sorted..hmmm

baddd karma

Do mens hearts break like womens?
I don’t think they do.
The feeling of breaking up..for a girl..is like nothing else. Its emptiness, but it is worse than emptiness, despair almost.
Not having a break up, just thinking about them.
I think cos it is worse for women, they are far less willing to break up with a guy unless they have too- too willing to settle, cos they don’t know what else is out there.

Everything is going wrong today. I have done some bad karma I am thinking. Maybe I should work out what?
I always think bad things happen to other people but not me, everything is supposed to be right for me. You have to realise that it wont always go right for you, and you just have to deal.
But see, you think when you say this (when everything is fine) that something like that will help you and it really wont be that bad.
And then it is bad, and annoying, and you want to crawl into a hole.
And there are so many worse things happening to other people. And your complaining about your own stupid problem.

i need more income. hmmm