i have the feeling i will be drinking copious amounts of alcohol
tonight- free drinks= drunk
saturday= big bday party at the place where the bf works- probably drunk
sunday= birthday night down at the beach for a friend= VERY VERY DRUNK
im almost a little scared!!!
- i will (try...not sure how successful) not to think about recent indiscretions (no not cheating, but certainly inappropriate behaviour) of stupid boyfriend who does my head in....
- i probably will think about it, but wont break up with him, because nothing is for sure, and well, to be honest, ive never broken up with anyone and im thinking i would be really bad at it- so ill just wait until i have to or things sort themselves out...(yes i am not a fan of confrontation but rather hiding away..whatever)
- i am pretty sure naieve is spelt wrong on the big 'about me'. i look at it every time i come on here and glare at it but cant be bothered to change it if it needs changing. usually i am a great speller, i used to edit all my friends homework. think ive gone downhill.
ok so i just read over this. im not sure if anyone reads this, but if u do, i guess it probably looks like i am not too happy with the bf (ever!!). thats not really true. but when i do feel upset at him, i like to write about it on here sometimes. the thing is, i dont think we are bad. well really most of the time we are fine. i am a super super sensitive person, and (as i have mentioned) i think wayyyy too much. so every day im thinking and thinking and questioning and thinking and if something isnt perfect, i think 'hmm i must not be happy'.
after my last boyfriend broke up with me for no reason, i am constantly prepared for a breakup, and so i think about it- which means i think it will happen, making it more likely to happen. so i feel like i am unhappy a lot, but i dont think it is to do with the relationship itself, that is ok.
i am quite insecure, and this hasnt been helped by things in the past. ie. when the bf gets drunk, which isnt that often, but a common occurence for people of my age, he tends to, how shall i say, become a different person. ie, hes not really that nice, and grumpy, like lots of guys do. and he is a flirt. he just has that sort of personality, as in, a gregarious one, which means he loves to talk and say inapproriate things to people, oh god that sounds bad- i just mean he is a fun person, to boys and girls alike, which is why i was attracted to him int he first place. the problem is, when he gets really drunk, i fear this goes a bit beyond appropriate. and im scared one day he will do something that at any other time, he wouldnt dream of doing. as in with another girl.
now before i go on, i know if someone reads this, they will probably think- what a dickhead. but the thing is, he is not. cos normally, he is committed, he speaks all the time about us being together forever and getting married and all sorts of stuff, and says he is happy with me. i know he loves me, and would be absolutely devastated if we broke up. and i really thought we would be together in a serious way. we are supposed to be moving in together, we laugh, cuddle, and get on really well.
im just stuck at the moment because i am scared that i cant trust him when he is drunk. i want to, and i dont know if its my insecurity or him.
and i cant break up with him because of something that im not sure about but that might happen.
and i dont want to say anything to him, because it sounds like i dont trust him- when he hasnt done anything wrong as of yet (i think)
i feel so confused as to whether just- see the flirting etc as part of his personality and harmless.
or to really think about whether i should be with him.
because i want to be, and i cant imagine not being without him, certainly not right now.
but is he the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, if he acts like that when he is drunk? should i break up with him because i can be better and happier? of is he the one for me?
it all sounds pretty full on for a 20 yr old, but really, were supposed to be moving in together, i need to think about the long term dont i.
i know i i was an outsider looking in id say...hmmm im not sure about that.
but im not, and i cant without being tied to him.
anyway. this is so long.
even if someone was reading, im sure they have stopped by now.
but really, this isnt for anyone else, its for me, so i can make it as long as i like.
2 comments:
I will certainly read the whole post later (got to get to work!).
Just had to say this in the meantime: if you're with someone who isn't making you happy? Don't be with that person. End of story. Your happiness comes first.
You're only 20! You're young and fabulous. You're sure to find someone who is much more appropriate for you... but in the meantime, it's GOOD to be single as well!
Ok, will try to make more sense later, after coffee...
(btw, the spelling is "naive")
thanks for ur comment loverville! haha i feel sorry for you reading through such a mess. and i feel pretty stupid about that spelling...thinking i should have a quick flick through the dictionary!
i agree with you...its just hard to know if its all in my head or whether i would be making a mistake! i think im gonna sit on it for now, and see how i feel in a little bit.
sometimes i feel a lot older than 20!
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