fight fight fight

so, i was involved in a fight tonight.well, not a real fight. as close as ill ever get though!

see, what happened is this. one of my best friends had a boyfriend for three years. then, this morning, he rang her hysterically crying. wat happened? well, last night (friday night) he got ridiculously drunk, doesnt remember anything, and wakes up in the morning because his friends ring saying he kissed this girl, lets call her ally. so he rings my friend (jenna) devastated because he has cheated on her while smashed. she, obviously, is hysterical and upset, and they break up today as a result. she rings her ex-bf friends who saw the whole thing, who tell her that ally was followng the bf round the whole night, followed him outside when he went to the toilet and then they kissed.

so tonight, being my other friends 21st, which me and jenna are at, we are drinking and drinking etc, with some other friends, she tells us and we are suitable annoyed and upset. as the drinking goes on, we get angrier and angrier at this ally chick. 

i must note- the ex bf is not in the right in any way. he also, is a dick. he broke her heart and therefore we dont heart him. but she dumped him as a result. i mean, what else can she do to him? she already broke his heart and he feels like a tiny spot on the face of a shoe. so we leave him for the time being and focus on the scarlet woman.

from my friends 21st we proceed to a housewarming of another friend. will ally be there? maybe. 

we get to the housewarming, she isnt there. so we hang round, forget it.

suddenly, after about an hour, ally rocks up. WHAT THE F U C K. we all say. how DARE she come here, after wat happened!

jenna and i immediatly go out to where she is. jenna abuses her and tells her to get out,and that she knew her bf had a gf and how much of a bitch etc etc other words i wont mention. i also inject a few 'why are u even here?' and 'u should just go' etc, standing behind jenna like a bodyguard haha. ally walks outside, but get this- doesnt leave. comes back inside. the nerve!

so jenna gives her a piece of her mind again,as do i, when jenna isnt ranting. i think eventually she left.

but man, it was like jerry springer in there! wow. u know, i dont think ive ever been that confrontational before.

dont get me wrong- im not really a bitchy kind of person. but if someone does something wrong by one of my friends? man, i will be all over that. and this girl was trying to deny she knew they were an item, that it was the bf going for her- when multiple sources said otherwise!

some people just dig a hole.

poor jenna.

her ex bf doesnt deserve her, i hope she realises that now.

parents drive me crazyyyy

me and my parents dont usually fight.
i thinkits because they live a fair way away so we get more than enough space from eachother.
but right now, even though they are 5 hours away- driving me UP THE WALL.
usually they are laidback about everything, dont intefere in anything etc.
and because they are so stressed about the drought they are acting irrationally! bf and me even had a fight last night because of them, getting angry at me (and inadvertently him) for something, can u believe that?!
i mean, seriously- my parents would NEVER get angry at someone like that (bf), or involve him in stuff.
its weird and i dont like dealing with it
i dont really like dealing with anything that upsets me really..
haha

sad news..

i have some bad news.

see the dog that i posted pictures of below?

yes, well i found out today that he died, a few days ago.

see he was living with my dad (dad loved him too much to give him back!) on our farm, and dad ran him over, as tends to happen on the farm. ive found so many dogs have short life spans there, because there are so many things- utes, snakes, rat poison etc.....i just didnt think he would die, of course it was an accident but i thought he was smart to stay out of the way but obviously not.

i feel really sad because he was such a great dog. he really had a personality you know? not just like other dogs, he would do the funniest (and naughtiest) things. like i would open the gate,

and before i knew it he took off downt eh street (once at nighttime!). then he would stop, look at me, and wait till i got just close enough...then take off again. this went on all the way down the street and i was SO MAD by the end!

or how i would go to work all day and i would come home to find him perched on a box leaning over the fence waiting for me.

i havent seen him much in the past months,  after he moved back to the farm, but my dad used to send me pictures on my phone of him on the porch, or muddy and dirty after playing in the dam and such.

i feel really upset because he was so great, and this is the second dog ive lost to such circumstances in the space of 3 years, its almost like im getting used to it which isnt good.

however i feel more sorry for dad- i dont know if he was the one who accidently did it (i didnt want to know details) but he loved him so much, and i know how upset he is feeling.

the worst thing is- they didnt even tell me! i only found out today because they wanted to wait until they got down here to tell me in person. but i went over to my grandmas today to visit and she said 'im sorry about the white dog, your dad was so upset' and i thought...thats weird...nobody said anything to me...i thought she was talking about my old dog- (she gets so confused and stuff nowadays). but just to be sure i called dad and he had to tell me- he told her not to say anything to me but obviously she forgot.

anyway, i was supposed to be getting a puppy for christmas for the bf. i thought the puppy and my other dog could be friends and play together but i guess not now...

anyway just thought id let that out here.

its funny when something/someone dies- all u can talk about is all the things they used to do. the bf came home from work when i called him, and all i wanted to talk about was what he (dog) did this time, or that time, its like you just want to grab every memory you have of them and keep them, like they are still there.

some really really important stuff

living with the bf is going great. well to be honest, its not much different from before, we still spent every night together before anyway. but its our house, all my stuff is in one place, more freedom with no housemate. its nice cooking together and everything more as well, since we always used to eat out for some reason.
there is one thing though, that is just bugging me out.
we dont have a dishwasher- fair enough, its only two of us and its best we dont to save water.
but he has a problem doing dishes. AGH.
we are sposed to take it in turns, fair right?
well, apparently not.
i do my turn fine, but he doesnt do them. until they pile up, and up, and u cant see anything but for dirty dishes. then i say- bf can u please do these?
'no i dont want to. ill do them tomorrow'.
and so it goes on, until eventually i get so frustrated (or someone is coming round and i have to) that i do them. and he KNOWS i will do them.
and i would refuse until he had to- but then if someone comes over, how embarrasing it that to have them there?!
ok granted- he has never had to do dishes, what with there was a dishwasher at his house before. but nevertheless its not that hard to LEARN. and adjust to have to do them...
it is infuriating! how do i force him to do them, without sounding like a nag?

silly me

ive been thinking...why was i so stupid to name my blog little20yearold? 

1. its a lame name

2. what will i do when i turn 21? duh. 

so close i can almost taste it..

so I've basically been a hermit for the last month or so while trying to finish assignments and study for exams.

my last one is tomorrow, but its a doozy :(. property law.....

its seriously made me consider getting rid of rights posessions and land...living in some utopian society where nobody does anything bad and everyone lives together...haha, then at least it would make my degree a lot easier!

i guess i would have one at all...

anyway regardless...i can WAIT till this time tomorrow- i will have a glass (or two) wine in my hand, out on the town! (what town..haha)

and im FREE for a summer! no assignments, studying, opening any law or history book...i cant wait.

that is all

stuff

hahaha ok so i totally added seth on facebook. this story is great, im so glad it hasn't ended yet! i LOVE that he has a blog....

ahh such actitivies are great from distracting me from what i really should be doing....property law...the worst. yuk.

i did go see a movie last night as a break though, death race (bf's choice) i thought it was cool though! jason stratham...is intense. i cant work out if he is hot or just scary..

dog stuff

this is my dog, who now lives on the farm with my dad (he kidnapped him)
This is him and my old dog (who died a few years ago). they really want to get outside and play hahai miss having a dog so much. every time i see one, i smile and feel happy, all i want is a little puppy to take for walks and wash and talk to when im by myself (haha), to grow into a big dog that is always happy to see me. i miss my dog! (but i cant take him back..dad loves him too much, and on a farm he is able to run and chase ducks and its basically dog heaven- how can i rip him out of that?)

romeo and juliet

i'm not very good at studying. i don't have some 'study space' where i can sit down and realllly concentrate. actually, i think i pretty much do all i can to pretend im NOT studying. i sit on the couch, with papers and books surrounding me in a big mess, often while the tv is on. so i can watch and write at the same time, productive no? i figure it works out ok for me...i mean a couple of years ago back in year 12, final year of school, i used to sit on the computer with music talking to people on msn, and i managed a damn good mark, so i guess it works for me.

anyway so good ol foxtel, im basically watching movies all day. and the other night it was romeo and juliet (leo in his VERY hot days).

this movie got me thinking, and also a bit emotional.

is it possible to love someone like that? its such a nice idea...and while its tragic romeo and juliet died like that, maybe it worked better for them- for that instant, consuming love to be immortilised......before the every day life, the mundane, before they just simply got used to each other being around.

oh it still would have been fantastic im sure, but with such intense feeelings- cant you imagine them having some MASSIVE blown up fights? i mean, where the hell do they go for christmas lunch- their families are enemies!

whoops, i didnt mean to make a joke.

i just think it is so amazing to think that something like that can occur between two people- my favourite scene, with the fish tank- that they can just look at each other and just know.

i dont wish for that with the bf. i am perfectly happy with the love we have. it needs to be normal, otherwise how could i get any uni work done? id be sitting around writing poetry about him all day!

procrastination...no sleep...

its ten to 2 in the morning. i should be asleep. i have to go be at work at nine tomorrow! agh. but im not sleepy, so im on computer, so i should be doing work at least, like my assignment about the review of the productivity commission's report on unfair terms in contracts. sound like fun? yeah no, see why im not doing it.

anyway, bf is up at office finishing stuff, videos, or something.

i have realised i have felt quite irritated towards him lately. now, some of this has been in reason, but a lot...i dont know. im not sure how to explain this, but i came to some sort of realisation today about myself that i didnt really like that much.

i read this article a couple of weeks ago and some of it really stuck with me- actually it has helped me deal with people a lot better.

we are all, essentially selfish. not always in a bad way- simply that we cant NOT be selfish, because our view of the world is our own- whether we try or not, everything does revolve around us because we literally are, the centre of our own world. everything is from out perspective, whether it is seeing, feeling, hearing or thinking. 

while some people do this better than others, mostly, it is about us.

and i have realised, that i am more selfish than i should be, particuarly in relation to bf.

for 1, its always about me. i mean, you know, how this or that impacts on me, i do try and see it from his point of view but usually it comes back to me.

also, (this sounds very umm...corny, but try not to see it that way)- i think he thinks of us as kind of 'a team'. ie, like his stuff is mine, etc, etc. do i think this way? no! mine is mine. and if i happen to do all this stuff for him one week and he doesnt, i feel resentful. but if he is doing it for me? A ok.

not cool of me, i know.

i guess i have to learn to be part of the team. and be more unselfish towards him. 

its just hard when u are the centre of your own universe haha

one word repeated over and over again

one of the things i love about bf:

he tells me im funny. he says im the funniest person he knows.

the thing is, im not really that funny, no more than the next person. i can be sightly humorous at times- but the things he laughs at, i think he finds them hilarious cos its me...most other people wouldnt like.

but he finds me funny, thats what i like.

i said the word funny many times just then. now its sounding weird to me. say it over and over and see what i mean...funny..funny.funny...

woah

ps. one thing that ANNOYS THE HELL OUT ME about him? bailing on me when we were supposed to do something cos he has to do work....grrrr

arguments and resolving them

after the bf and i had a minor disagreement today, it got me thinking. i know people go on about compromise etc when you are working together blablabla.

but what it, you are coming from two completely different viewpoints, and well...there isnt really a compromise, it is just one way or the other. does someone always have to give in? and dont they feel a bit resentful and annoyed after - is it still completely solved?

 

bf is quite stubborn- and he doesnt like apologising unless he realllly thinks he has done something wrong.

i just wonder how people successfully resolve arguments i guess- when you both think you are right, i guess, do u just leave it and move on?

 

i rang my mum and said "mum, how do you and dad resolve arguments?"

she said  (and this made me laugh)

' well usually i go away and sulk, until eventually he comes in and sorts it out (ie. talk about it, etc). i said well thats just great mum! haha.

now i know where i have got my sulking tendencies from...

end of the weeked

i was having a think and looking over some of the posts i have written, and then at my picture, and my 'about me' picture and i thought damn...anyone who even slightly knows me, would easily guess it was me. the picture is of my home town, and that cartoon has been my fb profile at one time!

i knows its kinda lame but i definitely want to be anonymous. there is no way i want my inner worries, anger, happiness and just randomness being available for people i know to read....especially bf. how could i freely talk about him the way i do here? most of the time we are great, so if i let out some irritation on here just to get it out, its harmless. if he read it, i know he would be very hurt. if i sound like we dont communicate, we do. i just like saying all the stuff that girls get a little crazy irrational and insecure about on here, that i KNOW most of the time guys dont get. 

also- bitching about his ex gf. as much as i dislike the girl, i would not want her to know this. i would hate to think she has ower over me by knowing i am insecure about her. so when i see her i smile and say hello and act perfectly normal, while really i just dont. like. her. 

so ive changed my header. i dont actually live on the great ocean road, but i love the 12 apostles and think it is just such a lovely scene. and that picture i got for my about me....i am definitely not as pretty as the cartoon girl, and i dont often wear red lipstick or a flower in my hair, but hell she has dark hair- thats good enough for me. maybe she'll inspire me to wear more flowers and red lipstick, you never know.

in other news- all moved out, unpacking going well- of course bf got a bit overexcited though and bought a HUGE tv with money neither of us really have, but i couldnt stop him. we are trying to make it look quite nice even despite the ummm how do i say 'dated' decor. the more i change though the better it looks.

now if only i could rid of this damn flu/cold/ fever i have! go away go away go away

la la la

so i usually dont go on about when im happy, more so when im sad.

i think its because im scared things might go wrong, so to go on and on about how great it is- kind of like tempting the devil (for want of a better analogy...all i could think of!)

i think i also get scared that when something goes wrong, i look like an idiot because just before i had been so happy, and now i look silly.

but to hell with it.

i am SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

i have a house! something i thought i'd be stressing about for a lot longer yet. and its a great house. and its with someone i really love. things between us are so great right now. im so excited about moving in with him.

and while there was a funny period while he got used to working for himself- its so much better now! he is just not stressed, tired, grumpy- he can do things he couldnt before. like today we went down to the beach for lunch. 

and we are going on a holiday! yes, the thing i used to complain about so often because he wouldnt do it...well, we are, in february- a while away, but thats good because i need to save money.

anyway, so maybe in a couple of days i might be annoyed at him for one reason or another...but im pretty sure it will be nothing, and for now i am just in love.

oh yuk that sounds so sappy. 

i do have one thing im not looking forward to...my friends 21st. it involves me making a speech. i DONT LIKE TRYING TO BE FUNNY IN PUBLIC. especially because well, she isnt that funny a person. i am very very scared

ex girlfriends and such

i swear the bf's ex is a freak.

ever since we have been together, there has been a longggg history of her being a weirdo and not being able to get over it, but honestly, so much has happened i cant even be bothered to go in it, it all sounds crazy.

while i didnt doubt his love for me due to her, she has managed to say things to me that made me feel soooo insecure about them...ie. going on about how they were first love (they went out for about 3 years) and just contacting him in ways that were in appropriate (i thought)

we have had ups and downs but are apparently fine now.

but one thing- at one point he deleted her off fb at one point for a reason, but now they are on reasonably good terms again (albeit he doesnt really have a wish to have contact with her). 

however, now they are back on good terms- she has tried to add him about 4 TIMES!

ridiculous.

why does she want to be friends with him sooooo badly?

she also used to put as her status updates things i knew related to him....like '... is thinking of him, how hes gone..' and '... remembers this day all too well' (a year ago on that day they broke up) jeeez give me a break. 

i mean we have been together almost 18 months now. we are moving in together. GET OVER IT. why do people feel the need so badly to be friends with their ex's? not necessarily get them back (i pretty sure she doesnt want this) but just to have contact- i get that they spent a long time together and obviously it impacted on both of them.

but if he has made it clear in the past that while being polite and friendly, he has no interest in some great friendship- WHY DOES SHE PERSIST LIKE THIS?

does she need contact with her ex that bad? or am i being not so understanding? she makes me very very uncomfortable.

anyway she has added him again (for about the 5th time) i guess this time he will add her on....

well i cant do much about it.

but it still bloody annoys me!

UPDATE

i happened to be there when he checked it and he said 'i dont want to be friends with her?'

'ignore'.

HA. i still dont understand her though. i almost feel a little sorry for her?

relief

phew, bf likes the house.

having checked it out again i can say it wa slightly different to how i remember...very retro kind of decor, like oldish kitchen and the wallpaper...hmmm. carpet iffy as well- but we can cover that. and its so BIG. i completely forgot about one of the rooms! so big. anyway he says its cool, and is excited, so i can kinda breathe a sigh of relief and

work on making it look lovely and nice and homely.

so it a good day today.

not so good? i am getting strange chest pains and they are bloody painful...im so confused cos its not indigestion...and im only 20..surely im not having a heart attack?!

i want them to go away so i dont have to go to the doctor! agh

we got a house...yay?

so i found a house. YAY. we got the application. YAY. 

only problem is....bf hasnt seen it yet.

well see, the inspection was on when he couldnt (well he was being lazy) come. so he said 'u go, i trust your judgement'. so i went.

it was close to his work, tick. close to bus for uni for me, tick. big enough so my family could come stay, tick. wasnt a unit, but a house, tick. 

only thing is, its not exactly modern....kinda old fashioned, you know with the fugly carpets etc.

but i was like wat the hell, of course i will put in an application, for how big it is i couldnt not.

and he agreed and filled it out, having not seen it.

and then we got it! which was a bit of a shock.

and he is seeing it tomorrow, but i am SCARED he will hate it because its not modern and all, and he has high expectations (he hasnt ever rented before- therefore DOESNT UNDERSTAND 1. that you kind of have to take what u can get and 2. the likelihood of someone picking 2 people under 25 is LOW and 3. the fact its not a unit? genious.)

so he is like hmm i hope itsok what if i dont like it blablabla....

if he doesnt like it, then it will be a disaster!!! cos i had to sign the lease and everything, so then we'd have to break it before we even moved in, my worst nightmare...

i think he will like it. but it would also annoy me if he complained- because he made ME go to the inspection and agreed to sign the forms...

i know i know, i should have got him to see it first- but i had no time, there was only one inspection, i just had to go for it.

anyway...just have to wait and see tomorrow...wish me luck...

if he does like it we move in in two weeks!

if he doesnt...DISASTER i dont want to break the lease or him get angry.. i feel nervous!

agh

im so tired and grumpy. 

i finished that other property assignment last week, that was bad enough.

but now its 2 in the morning, im writing an essay on french history (1850-1865 to be precise) 

ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP

my essay is suffering because i dont want to do it anymore...

and all the books i got for it are wrong, so no idea where to find references.

AGHHHHHH

i just want to go to bed. 

i cant wait until this semester is over....it feels soooooo long away

ice-cream stress

so im having an icecream- stress day*

what is this, you ask? 

well, its when everything is going wrong, and you are stressed.

but the reasons you are stressed, really you should just feel lucky and grateful. having a hard time feeling these things- so if i write them i think ill feel guilty enough to get in a good mood!

stress

= i have a dinner to go to tonight which is sure to take a while AND

i have property law assignment due tomorrow- no idea how to do it, am stuck, completely lost and dont want to fail. how am i going to finish it before tomorrow if im tied up tonight? aghh i dont even know how to finish it.

= i also have a french essay due next week (i dont actually speak or know french, its history) was able to check my plan and the lady said it was 'flowery'. thanks buddy. not sure when ill get the time to do that either.

= i was supposed to go to the gym this morning and just didnt get out of bed. now i wish i had gone to the gym.

= i went into town (where uni is) and had to park in a car park as there were no spaces around university. this sucks in itself. but then i also missed a person coming out of a park, went the wrong way up a ramp and then had to go to the top level. then when i came to come home, i went to the wrong floor and had to walk up. 

= my friend tom had to bail on lunch and i really was looking forward to lunch with him.

= i was planning to stay at uni to work but got a call from the washing machine guy coming to fix my washing machine saying he would be there in 1/2 hour. i rushed home (oh he still isnt here). now i have to go back in and find ANOTHER car park.

= i havent bought any clothes for ages, months even, trying to save money, and i havent saved that much because im not working much. i want summer clothes dammit!

= im trying to organise a passport, not really happening, i cant BELIEVE how many forms etc you need.

= i need my hair dyed and when the hell am i going to do that

= i need to find a house to live

= i need to find a house to live

(just needed to stress that stress)

ok....now for the ice cream..

- i am lucky i can GO to uni and get a degree, especially a law one

- the lady said my essay would be good and i had some good points (just need to work on it)

- i am lucky i have a car to park in a car park

- i am lucky i have a washing machine that needs to be fixed

- i should be glad i have friends that want me round to dinner and lunch

- i am lucky to have someone who wants to find a house with me, and that i have the money to pay rent for a house

- its pretty good i even have a gym membership

- im trying to organise a passport. that means im GOING SOMEWHERE. overseas. vietnam!!!!

wellllll ok now im feeling all a bit bad. still stressed about property i cant lie. but you know, i have it pretty damn good.

*icecream stress is a word i just made up cos i like the sound of it. and i like icecream. it sounds like a good stress to me

rental stupidness

i am now searching for a house that bf and i are going to live in.

things are going really well with us lately. (touchwood?) we have settled into a much better routine now he has his own office to work in and i just go home during the day! he is so much better tempered now he is not so tired all the time. and he even said he would come on a holiday with me at the end of the year. even if he tries to back out ill just buy the tickets. ha! how evil am i. but i was going to get it for christmas so really, its a nice gesture. see how it goes. anyway i have other plans, going to vietnam with my dad in february, so really if he falls through no big deal.

anyway. the house. man, i hate renting. well i dont hate renting, i hate trying to FIND a house.

seriously, there is no point in even going to the rental open inspections where they have got an agent to do it for them. 

if your under the age of 25, and are at uni, then your dead meat, people just dont want you. i mean i cant influence people's minds but it is so unfair!!!! honestly, i know some people are party animals. but i'm not. my parents help pay my rent and the bf has a pretty good income with his business and all. i dont even think half of them read the whole thing (part about the parents paying). they just see the age, and occupation. 

i even include a letter from my employer. no dice.

i really think the only way is to go to the ones advertised on saturday in the newspaper, at least sometimes they are private and you get to meet the people and all- then you have a chance to show how nice and normal you are!

(well i think im nice and normal)

aghhh i will just be so relieved when (if?) we get a house.

music..makes the people..come together- or maybe not?

i have nothing against the people that go and see bands in small dingy pubs. i applaud them for making the effort to find out about these unsigned singers and musicians, who one day might make it big but you never know. To go and see them and really listen to their music and appreciate it even though they are probably one of about a hundred who actually know the band exists. 

or perhaps those people who are around my age, and their friends are in a band. there are about 5 or 6 of these bands around at the moment in my city i see, and they kind of rotate around playing at the same places. and those people go every week to support them. good on you. 

or perhaps those people who are just generally into slightly alternative music and bands that are 'cool' but not necessarily ridiculously popular, and they buy the whole album and listen to every song over and over until they *get it* the vibe, the band, the whole thing. they know the names of the band members, they know where they came from and if they ever come to your home town, (or even country) they will buy a ticket a see them.

i think this is all wonderful that people make these efforts in the name of music.

what does PISS ME OFF. is when people like this don't respect those who like music that, well, cant be known as anything but 'popular'. 

when they think they are better than anybody else and look down on those who don't know the bands they are talking about, and if you like something on the Top 40 then god forbid!!

seriously? just enjoy your music that you like, i have no problem with you- don't have one with me!

i will happily admit- yes, sometimes i hear a song that is not well known, and i like it. i loveee bands like the kooks and snow patrol that I'm sure started out very small-like. 

but generally those bands made up of mostly boys with names like 'skye city' or 'golden bridges' ok i made those up!) just don't interest me, i think most of their songs sound the same and not really interesting to me. 

i am proud to like the popular songs. why not, mostly they are well produced and i get a kick out of them. i like U2, i love rihanna and chris brown, and neyo. i like u2 and kylie minogue and sometimes i like delta, and bon jovi. i like the beatles and queen and i also like coldplay and kanye and sometime the pussycat dolls. 

and its very often i will like just one song from someone and i like it cos i hear it on the radio and it makes me happy.

this doesnt mean i am music- dumb! i am not stupider for liking popular music (i don't think).

it really annoys me that people think they are better than me because they are 'alternative'. maybe im alternative for not being alternative, so there.

and u know what? michael bolton rocks my world!!!

the ballgame

take me out to the ballgame...

ok so i know this is an american saying for baseball right, but surely i can apply it to AFL (Australian Rules Football). i think i read it in an archie comic one time (i was obsessed with archie comics in year 7) where archie took veronica to the ballpark, and convinced her to love it. but then he went off to swap baseball cards and she got all mad again. wow i read a lot of those comics.

ANYWAY. so today i went to my first live football match. i know i know nobody i told could believe it...but well coming from a farm means i didn't do those things when i was little, and when i moved up here none of my friends were really into football in a big way, so going to the football wasnt a big priority. but today was an elimination final with mine and the bf's team in it, and he LOVES football (who wouldve thought, a boy who loves football)....so i wanted to go see it live. 

and it was great!!! its so different from TV. the oval looked a whole lot smaller. but the atmosphere was so fun. it was a beautiful sunny day, and everyone was excited and screaming and yelling, the bf lost his voice for a while.

AFL is a lot lot different from american football. well for one the uniform- the boys here where singlets and pretty small shorts...never too hard to watch. i cant really be bothered explaining the whole thing suffice to say its different. anyway, it was a tight game but we lost :(. 

it occurred to me and the bf while walking in how important to some people AFL is. i mean, its literally their life in winter. every weekend, head to the footy, maybe go interstate to see away matches- it is the most important thing for them. don't get me wrong, im not saying its bad but its just strange seeing a sport take over someones life..completely. i enjoy a bit of football...but it isnt everything!

was so nice being out in the sun. but at the same time, while it is spring i hope we have more rain. my farm NEEDS IT BAD. as does the rest of the country.

drought sucks!

ps. i just readmy below post. just might add- im not planning on getting pregnant ANYTIME soon if it sounded like that haha. i guess i mean in some amount of years when i might want to. and i did go on about bronzer. no idea why. its really not that important!!

about me

some things about me
- i have very dark hair. but it is not my natural colour, at all. i hate my natural hair colour and NEVER plan to go back, ever since i started dyeing my hair in year 9 or so. i feel very ugly about that hair colour and what i would look like with it, i wouldnt be me. not sure if ill dye my hair when (hopefully) one day i am pregnant..could cause a problem.
-i also have freckles on my face, but tend to tan (with a lot of sun exposure) on other areas of my body, except my chest. my chest is IMPOSSIBLE to colour, unless i have fake tan and bronzer. i use both of these to colour myself up and in summer cos i dont want to get skin cancer.

- i think of different seasons wistfully when i am in the other. dont get me wrong, i enjoy winter and summer while experiencing them. but there is never a time i think more highly of summer than in winter, and vice versa. i guess in my city its because in winter, its pretty damn cold (well not snow cold but cold enough) and in summer it is BLOODY HOT. australian hot.
so there are only a few months in between i get the best of both. at the moment spring has just started, and dont u just loveeeee spring....clear and fresh but not with that stifling heat.
anyway im getting away with myself.

- i dont think i am very good at blogging. i write too much, its not that interesting (except maybe to me) and i go on and on. really. i dont think many people read it. but i dont mind actually. cos the thing is, i see this as a diary. an online diary sure, but a diary nevertheless, that i can look back on and laugh and shake my head at myself for being silly (or wise?). i used to have a diary in year 7...oh the things i used to write EVERY DAY. i looked at it again about 3 years later and it was priceless! that is what i am planning to do with this blog. i will save it all and archive it one day to look and see how me and the bf turned out, or what was going down with me.

- i am amazed at the amount of traffic some people get on their blogs. 100 comments for some posts it is astounding. i am only just beginning to realise there is some kind of blog hierarchy, ie some BIG NAME bloggers, then smaller, then tiny, then miniscule (me!).

- i idolise my father. i know he's not perfect, but to me that makes him perfect. i love him so much. i love my mum too, but i dont look at her with the same admiration as my dad. it is nothing bad to her, im just a dad's girl. i can also twist him around my little finger. we are planning to go travelling this summer to Vietnam, i cant wait!!!

- while i love my friends i sometimes wish my friendship group was different. that we were closer, or more in tune with eachother...i cant explain, but sometimes i look at other people's friends with envy. i wish i had more varied and different friends, because i end up depending on the bf too much than lots and lots of people. well hopefully i will make some more soon but not sure where.

- i am moving in with the bf in november. i know we (i?) have had issues but everything is going pretty good at the moment. and i know im young etc etc, but ive been living out of home for 2 years now, its just normal for me. and he needs to get out of his family house. it makes sense to be together when we are practically living together now, just at his place (and occasionally at mine). i figure we will learn a lot of lessons about what, life, eachother, etc. and if it doesnt work out, i wont regret it, and we will go out seperate ways. i am excited. but at the same time i know how my friends may feel (*and my mum!) so i am keeping it low key as possible and down playing it more than it is (ie. to mum- "he is paying some rent and will stay here most of the time- but still has a place at his house....." well not actually he wont, but does mum need to know?). We will see how it goes.

- i am trying to go to the gym. i hurt today, deep in my calf muscles. will have to see how long this lasts. hopefully ill get fit.
- ummm ill think of more later, for now its time for lunch!!!

i watched a movie called 'butterfly on the wheel' last night.

yes, i am a big movie buff. although the bf is even bigger, and we watch a lotttt of movies together.

so B.O.A.W.

i liked it better than he did. so many twists and turns, although it was easy to keep up i suppose. nevertheless i did enjoy trying to guess what was next, who was going to pop up and what it was all really about- why the hell did Tom kidnap their poor kid?

I admit, it was slightly unsettling seeing Pierce Brosnan play such ..a bad guy. i really hated him. 

and i was suprised by how upset i was when he began destroying parts of their lives, i.e. the material parts. a bit shallow of me.

the thing about it is, i (think) i am a very logical person. as in, i think of everything that could happen and work it out what will happen next. why is why i am always thinking about my relationships and so forth- trying to work them out in a logical way (which is why i am always in strife with my thoughts- relationships ARENT LOGICAL....my brain just hasnt caught up with this yet and not sure if it ever will!)

so in movies- some people probably just involve themselves in the emotion and so on- i am always thinking of the logical. if someone destroys all a persons money or steal it, i am thinking ahead to where will they get money from? He loses his job- how will he get a new one, could he move somewhere, they could sell their house to get money, etc etc.

murder movies is where i am at my worst. someone gets murdered- i work out if they could be caught, what evidence they would need to clean up- (perhaps part of being a law student?). i cant just accept that it is a movie and so no, it hasnt happened in real life. but people DO GET murdered in real life, and people get away with it....so i am always thinking, in this situation, could they? 

or even when they are punching people up, i am thinking, assault, etc etc.

i know i know, annoying, but its all in my own head, and its just because i am always thinking. it can make movie watching frustrating at times. 

roadhouse was one movie where i was able to see- while it was illogical- you could just appreciate the events as a movie and what they were. When those girls murdered there was a little light in my brain that said 'well they wouldnt get away with that...and what about the car? will they pay the guy?' but at the same time- i completely enjoyed everything that was happening.

anyway....Butterfly on a Wheel was pretty good. i never did truly understand the name. maybe i didnt concentrate hard enough.

ding ding

note to self:
if something is extremely important and needs to be take somewhere, my brain will inevitably push it to back of my mind and cause me to forget it.
SO, i think a solution is...
to trick my brain into thinking that something important is ACTUALLY not important at all. kind of like reverse psychology. then if my brain thinks it is unimportant, it WILL remember it and will then definitely go DING!! when i see the thing i am supposed to take while i am walking out the door. or DING when i am walking to my car so i cant go back in and get it. or DING DING DING at some point before it is too late to get it and i am walking into work and A says oh did u bring ..... and i go...ooops.

Why is my brain so hopeless sometimes?

A Few Good Men

" i want THE TRUTH!"

"YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH"

ahh ive waited a long time to see this particular line, which i did last night. and it lived up to all expectations.

i saw A Few Good Men as a play when i went to watch it at another school in about year 10 and i remember being impressed. but for some reason i never watched the movie, ive always meant to...anyway i did.

it was one of those movies that went on a bit, very courtroom, and a bit slow in terms of action etc- but that was ok because you knew there was going to be one big showdown scene, one massive drama that at the end you were just going to go YES. and that made the wait worth it, better because you knew you were going to be rewarded.

and was i?

yes i think i was. because while the rest was not exactly fast paced, i was on a high and excited at the ending, so obviously it had an impacted. i think i would be more affected if i actually lived in the USA- since it was all about honour and the army and marines protection etc, which im sure some people feel very strongly about. anyway

there were some great lines, aside from the ones above:

 "you dont need a patch on your arm to have honour",

"dont call me son. I'm a lawyer and an officer in the United States Navy. And you're under arrest, you son of a bitch."

ok now how good is that?

and i have to say, i know Tom Cruise has the crazies at present, but he was a SERIOUSLY good actor back in the day. he nailed it. as did jack nicholson. he certainly knows how to play the nasty man.

all in all....4/5 stars. 

(although im probably a pretty easy marker in general)

i love my work pretty much. its in an office, high up in the city. ive worked here casually for a couple of years now. had a few problems at times (using the internet for personal stuff...facebook..whoops!). and the workers have changed over time, but now i really like everyone that works here (bar one...nasty old man who was supposed to only be here for six months,....but of course as my boss is an old man too he feels the need to keep him).
there is A- she has been my confidante and advice giver for about a year, i really love her. she recently got married, so she is a little bit older and much wiser. her now -husband can often be quite similar to the bf so she makes sense. she is also hilariously funny. we sing. she has also been through a lot of hard times, which you would NEVER know by looking at her now. at her wedding i almost teared up when she did, making her speech and thanking her parents for getting her through.
then there is L. at first look i wasnt sure what to think, well how wrong i was. dont judge a book by its cover! this long haired platinum blond pint sized package really is just a bundle of contradictions. she loves shopping, pink, and at times, socialising. at the same time she lives on a farm (hour and a bit to get to work each day!), she has a horse she loves, many other animals and she loves country music. some things can grind oh yes, stubborn as hell, her way of the highway. and she has issue with affection (ie. no big displays) but it is still hilarious. she is a funny one.
there are others worth mentioning, maybe ill leave it for another time.
then there is GOM. hate him. came in, stuck around while he shouldnt- is rude and thinks he is great. and yet boss loves him just cos he is another 'guy' like him and hes known him for a while so he must be good. uhmmmm news flash- when someone riles EVERYONE in the office and causes tension in the whole office- they arent good for it!!!! not to mention he was only supposed to be here for a limited amount of time!and doesnt do anything....
makes me annoyed just thinking about it.
but anyway. apart from him it is all good in the workplace. im lucky to be here while im doing my degree

i am hopeless at this blogging business.

but i am also beginning to like it, i mean i never didnt like it, but now i realllly like it.

at 3.30 this morning i was eating party pies and talking on facebook 'chat' to my best friend who is currently in croatia. was a rather random night i should say.

those party pies did NOT go down well though. and i dislike fb chat immensly. i mean isnt the point of facebook to write to people and write back when you feel like it? sum everything up in one nice little message or wall post in order to get rid of the frivolity? as well as that you have a choice- if you want to write back or not. no boring people bugging you, just ignore them.

but oh no, chat changes all that. suddenly people you dont really want to talk to (or you would have called them) pop up on right hand of screen 'hi how are u'. after a few minutes of meaningless chatter the damn thing stops working anyway and you go offline. usually i save the trouble and just appear offline.

HOWEVER last night i will give 1 point to fb chat. yes, it cut out about 3 times. but it also allowed me to have a (relatively) instant conversation with best friend, who i miss a lot and havent been able to speak to properly for about a month as she travels europe, except the occasional text at an odd hour of the morning. lucky next week she will be all settled into her uni in sweden and we can go on skype.

and while i am admitting fb chat wasnt so bad last night, skype will always be better!!!

im stupid?

ok ive changed it AGAIN thanks to someone obviously a better speller than me!!! seriously, arent law students supposed to be smart?!!!!obviously not this one!

and wow, that post was REALLY long before. i guess thats what happens when someone who thinks too much, then writes it out while they are thinking...writes wayyyyy too much.

gosh i should be doing  some uni work today, but i actually feel like sleeping.

honey crackles are really very great, i just had two, i wish there was more to be eaten!

i have also looked back on (most) of my posts and feel a bit depressed.

its all bf this, bf that, im sad, whine whine whatever. seriously- isnt there something else going on in my life apart from woes with me boyfriend (most of which i make up in my head- although there are a few genuine ones). the going away thing for eg. yes it sucks, but i guess its not really his fault. hes building a business. im 20. screw the boyfriend, ill go away by myself- which is what im doing next year. surely my life doesnt revolve around him!!!

so i am resolving to blog about different, other things, so that when i look back on this at another time, i dont go wow- get over yourself, and talk about something different PLEASE.

haha. ok im off for dinner. ill probably spend about half an hour deciding what to go get (no joke...)

ok i just changed it. i feel better now

warning..longgg post ahead...

this weekend:

i have the feeling i will be drinking copious amounts of alcohol

tonight- free drinks= drunk

saturday= big bday party at the place where the bf works- probably drunk

sunday= birthday night down at the beach for a friend= VERY VERY DRUNK

im almost a little scared!!!

- i will (try...not sure how successful) not to think about recent indiscretions (no not cheating, but certainly inappropriate behaviour) of stupid boyfriend who does my head in....

- i probably will think about it, but wont break up with him, because nothing is for sure, and well, to be honest, ive never broken up with anyone and im thinking i would be really bad at it- so ill just wait until i have to or things sort themselves out...(yes i am not a fan of confrontation but rather hiding away..whatever)

- i am pretty sure naieve is spelt wrong on the big 'about me'. i look at it every time i come on here and glare at it but cant be bothered to change it if it needs changing. usually i am a great speller, i used to edit all my friends homework. think ive gone downhill.

ok so i just read over this. im not sure if anyone reads this, but if u do, i guess it probably looks like i am not too happy with the bf (ever!!). thats not really true. but when i do feel upset at him, i like to write about it on here sometimes. the thing is, i dont think we are bad. well really most of the time we are fine. i am a super super sensitive person, and (as i have mentioned) i think wayyyy too much. so every day im thinking and thinking and questioning and thinking and if something isnt perfect, i think 'hmm i must not be happy'. 

after my last boyfriend broke up with me for no reason, i am constantly prepared for a breakup, and so i think about it- which means i think it will happen, making it more likely to happen. so i feel like i am unhappy a lot, but i dont think it is to do with the relationship itself, that is ok. 

i am quite insecure, and this hasnt been helped by things in the past. ie. when the bf gets drunk, which isnt that often, but a common occurence for people of my age, he tends to, how shall i say, become a different person. ie, hes not really that nice, and grumpy, like lots of guys do. and he is a flirt. he just has that sort of personality, as in, a gregarious one, which means he loves to talk and say inapproriate things to people, oh god that sounds bad- i just mean he is a fun person, to boys and girls alike, which is why i was attracted to him int he first place. the problem is, when he gets really drunk, i fear this goes a bit beyond appropriate. and im scared one day he will do something that at any other time, he wouldnt dream of doing. as in with another girl.

now before i go on, i know if someone reads this, they will probably think- what a dickhead. but the thing is, he is not. cos normally, he is committed, he speaks all the time about us being together forever and getting married and all sorts of stuff, and says he is happy with me. i know he loves me, and would be absolutely devastated if we broke up. and i really thought we would be together in a serious way. we are supposed to be moving in together, we laugh, cuddle, and get on really well. 

im just stuck at the moment because i am scared that i cant trust him when he is drunk. i want to, and i dont know if its my insecurity or him.

and i cant break up with him because of something that im not sure about but that might happen. 

and i dont want to say anything to him, because it sounds like i dont trust him- when he hasnt done anything wrong as of yet (i think)

i feel so confused as to whether just- see the flirting etc as part of his personality and harmless.

or to really think about whether i should be with him.

because i want to be, and i cant imagine not being without him, certainly not right now.

but is he the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, if he acts like that when he is drunk? should i break up with him because i can be better and happier? of is he the one for me?

it all sounds pretty full on for a 20 yr old, but really, were supposed to be moving in together, i need to think about the long term dont i.

i know i i was an outsider looking in id say...hmmm im not sure about that.

but im not, and i cant without being tied to him. 

anyway. this is so long.

even if someone was reading, im sure they have stopped by now.

but really, this isnt for anyone else, its for me, so i can make it as long as i like.

i love this country!

since i got back from my aunties in the country (by the way i actually grew up in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere...sounds weird saying 'the country' but anyway)
i have realised, while i was on a walk around a small seaside town, on a path through some bush, beach and sand dunes that it was completely deserted.
and not only that, it is so long since i have been in a place where i am just all alone, and u simply know that nobody else is there, or will be there, not while you are.
it is a feeling i had a lot, on a farm while growing up, but u never really think about it until it has been gone for a long time, and you reocgnise it again, but this time as a stranger.
it was refreshing. - it was quite cold, but i knew if i felt like it, i could pull of my clothes and go swimming, and nobody would see.
not only that, but i have been yearning to go overseas, experience different things and cultures. and funnily enough, on this walk, i was reminded of the country that i missed and really, deep down, loved. as a child, the city with its bright lights was the only place i wanted to be (and trust me i have no plans to move country permanently!) but walking along, looking at saltbush and the little plants and trees that i knew to be australia, to be uniquely rural, i kind of appreciated them for the first time. the sand dunes, the little scrubby trees, the big bounding footsteps of kangaroos that had passed before me, even finding a deserted fire spot where some locals had obviously come for a few night time drinks, it reminded me all of my own farm (where i havent been for a year at least) and it also reminded me that overseas, i wont see this.
its a hard feeling to explain, seeing the landscape as mine and feeling nostalgic about it, for i am sure a tourist from another country would look at it and think it was pretty boring. but for me, it was a wonderful feeling to look at something and feel it being familiar and yet new at the same time.
even the beach....everywhere has beaches. but do you see a deserted beach, piled with a bit of seaweed and rocks, with seagulls around having a chat, in europe? beach with no buildings next to it, simply bush sand, rocks for miles around. i dont think you do.
"i love a sunburnt country"
perhaps that statement doesnt apply to the piece of environment specifically (lots of water and greenery!) but the sentiment is the same. you have to love australia for what it is, and appreciate those small things you see, because simply lamenting what it may not have is really missing out.

babies and drunkenness

so things are (kind of) back on track with us
last week i really needed a break, so took of for a couple of days to my aunties in the country. ha, my parents asked why i didnt go visit THEM in the country, but aunty lives near the beach, 2 hours away as compared to 5!!! much easier. was lovely to see her little baby, the cutest niece in the world. makes me want one (much MUCH later on). they really are FULL TIME job, and she cant even crawl or run around yet!
anyway so i got back and it seemed fine...except saturday he got out after work and got sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo drunk ( he doesnt really drink that much really). i got a call at seven asking where the hell i was (i was at his house?!) cos he had rocked up at mine. where my dad was staying. great. he got very angry, i hadto go overthere, then he threw up. nice.
anyway he felt so bad (he was also being not very nice and aggro drunk). he has done this before. i got pretty angry yesterday and told him that we werent invincible and that if he did it again, then i wouldnt just be hanging aorund no matter what. he said he understood...we had a big talk............. etc etc. anyway things are fine for now. we have agreed not to talk about going away for a while cos he is sick of it, he cant now andthats that. but he will in a couple of years. hopefully.
anyway he is being all nice and we are going well for now. see what happens.
he even offered if i wanted to go on a break to think about things, cos i seem unhappy about things...and the durnk aggro-ness, if it makes me upset then maybe i should think. but him saying that made me realise i really really dont want to break up cos i love him.
i dont know how ill feel if he does it again, or how we will be, but for now, i definitely want to be with him. hopefully he will eventually change about the 'going away' thing, but for now its tired, and were both sick of talking about it.
i am just going to make some trips on my own!

i wish he would go back to work...

i think ive pinpointed why i feel so funny now that the bf isnt wokring, or as such, is working for himself at home 'self employed'. one is that we dont have that special when we see eachother at the end of the day anymore. hell, ive probably seen him during the day, and when i woke, whereas before it was justa glimpse in the morning and the feel of a kiss on my cheek or forehead. i used to smile and roll over back to sleep. now he is there when i wake up, when i get up, and during the day if i choose it. i hate it. theres not absence to miss, no specialness, we see eachother too much.
no more messages during the day which i used to get sometimes, about how he loved me. COS IM THERE. or im not there, but hes at home, so he doesnt miss me, he is having fun with himself.
thats the worst- at work,boring work, he would think of me and smile and think how much he loved me and how he wanted to be with me, not at work. i know this because he told me.
now, im not sure hes even thinking about me. why would you? hes sitting pretty at his desk or out and about at furniture stores and doing all sorts of exciting stuff.
and now he doesnt go to bed until the earlish hours of the morning, 2 onwards. why? because he can. cos he can sleep in until 12 or 1 or whenever he wants. and i hate it. one of my favourite things used to be going to bed together. now i go to sleep alone, lonely, and when he comes in im too hot from sleep warmth to come close to. and we are snitching and eachother and getting annoyed about general things, especailly issues that recur again and again. it is just a bad time.
it sucks so bad.
i wish he got a job again..but thats the thing- thisis his job, from now on. this is his business tha the is building. and i am supporting it, i guess the grass is just always greener on the other side.
i hope that it all works out in the end, for me and him, because i love him, but this isnt fun.

confrontation and the like

Over the last month I have come to a realisation that I didn’t know was me- I don’t like fighting. Well no, wait, I knew that- but I just don’t even like confrontation, one bit. I feel funny and while I will speak about something if I am upset, I wait for ages and ages out of fear and build it up in my mind. I have on occasion practiced things, even perhaps minor, to say to the bf, because I imagine what he will say, then I, then it gets worse and worse.
I usually tend to just go quiet, withdraw, and dwell on it by myself.
It works out that we rarely, if ever, fight. Oh there are little snitches, but he doesn’t fight either or like confrontation at all- hence, it just doesn’t happen. He is pretty laidback about all things relationship- doesn’t feel the need to discuss it, as he usually thinks its fine, and im not a big relationship talker either (where are we going, etc etc..yuk). I wonder though, if this is a bad thing? Does it mean that we arenot deep enough with each other? That our relationship is too shallow?
Or does it mean we are just suited because neither of us really wants to tlak about it?
Hmmm, I don’t know. I know communication is important and all, and we DO talk, its just usually most things are fine so there is no need for these big deep and meaningfuls. Are we not open with eachother, or just not the confrontational types?

parentals

another thing..i just got a message from my mum and dad that said
'we are so proud of your achievements and the way you care about others. love mum and dad'
isnt that sweet?
compliment day is in full swing

im going to change the colour of my layout. i know im the only one who looks at this right now...but maybe in the far away future some other person will look at it. and the posts ive been writing lately, all a bit dark and depressive. that coupled with a black background, is just plain sad.
i guess it only really feel the need to write when i feel upset or uneasy about something. when im happy i dont need to. but maybe i should try to. i dont want to look back at this i think god, how much was fun i?
well one thing that made me happy today (and most days) having genki roll sushi today, i never get sick of it. mmmm their mayonnaise and prawn. i would take it over some 3 course dinner any day. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

something else that makes me happy today...seeing my baby little neice, only 2 months old. tonight. so cute.
something else- getting drunk tonight with my friend s and dance dance dance the night away.
YAY

good things

Yesterday was a bad day
Today is a little…or a lot better.
Still not sure about bf thing- moving in is questioning, cos he lost one of his jobs…very disappointing, etc etc. also annoyed about the messaging with the other girl. But hoping (in denial?) that it was innocent. She still bloody annoys me tho. Agh.

But GOOD today
Got my uni results back
- I am so proud of myself
- I overloaded (just a little) and came out good
- I worked really really hard I think
- I got something to show for it
- I proved that I can do this law degree, and now I feel a whole lot better about completing the rest of it
- I did better than two friends, each which helped me, but I never felt like I would do better (not a competitive thing, more just feeling that I am up to their standard, something I have been insecure about all semester)
- First time I have got such great marks
- Bring on next semester!

ALSO
- while I didn’t want to at first because I was so disappointed about not going with the bf, I have changed my mind, and am going to go away with cf (crazy friend) on road trip/holiday, for a short time.
- Will have fun and need a break


Now…if only bf was alllll sorted..hmmm

baddd karma

Do mens hearts break like womens?
I don’t think they do.
The feeling of breaking up..for a girl..is like nothing else. Its emptiness, but it is worse than emptiness, despair almost.
Not having a break up, just thinking about them.
I think cos it is worse for women, they are far less willing to break up with a guy unless they have too- too willing to settle, cos they don’t know what else is out there.

Everything is going wrong today. I have done some bad karma I am thinking. Maybe I should work out what?
I always think bad things happen to other people but not me, everything is supposed to be right for me. You have to realise that it wont always go right for you, and you just have to deal.
But see, you think when you say this (when everything is fine) that something like that will help you and it really wont be that bad.
And then it is bad, and annoying, and you want to crawl into a hole.
And there are so many worse things happening to other people. And your complaining about your own stupid problem.

i need more income. hmmm

exams

exam time. exam time is a curious one for me. i spend all semester thinking of it with a drop of my stomach, for that is the time when i am judged, and if not seen worthy i am not sure what will happen. failure isnt really an option, i never have and the thought of it makes me cringe, if not simply dreading have to do a subject again. it also would expose me as not being that smart person i claim to be, HELLO i am studying law, etc??? when really i dont think im that smart at all. i used to, but spending ur time with those prepared to study ten times harder and use their brain power to a much larger extent does that to u. i am not as smart as i think i am, or was.

So why, still do i procrastinate to the point of ridiculous? i dont rememebr this in school. sure i procrastinated, but i did my work. i am finding it hard to get any study done, or nothing that is productive. i have days and days just to do it, and yet it is impossible. perhaps it is too boring? maybe it is my trepidation about law holding me back. or just plain laziness and wanting to be doing something more fun.

i always wonder what i will end up doing and about my law degree. the idea of being a corporate lawyer, working into the night and making partner in some 20 years time is possibly the most unappealing idea ive ever heard, not matter what the BF thinks is great. international law...sounds a little more interesting. my volunteer work whcih im planning on doing could help this cause. hmmmm.

i just feel a little unsure about where its all going. but first. to pass these exams. is it possible????

IT HAS TO BE

birhday times

it was my birthday yesterday. i had a fun day, weekend really, starting on fri night with dinner with friends (some of who had not met or not really knowing eachother, it was nice to join them together) and continuing on through the wknd. i had disappointment, because i didnt get what i hoped i might from the bf (still holding out for the thing he told me wasnt going to happen) but ive come to realise that perhaps, i was expecting too much. he did try, and it was sweet. sometimes, having expectations just means that 99 % of the time, youll be worse off, rather than just happy. i think i need to let go of things more. just enjoy, rahter than analysing and worrying. but how to stop...hmm
another thing on my mind, especially after this wknd, is my exam prep (or lack of). i cant imagine failing....i need to work harder. nothing ive done is harder or more complicated than this LOC though!! i feel like i need to non stop work from now on and really put my head down. but next wknd is sooobusy as well...aghhh
when i can, maybe later today, i think i might make a letter from my future self, like marissa's.
maybe similar to my bucket list, perhaps with more advice
xxx

all emotional

is it all girls like this or just the emotional ones like me?
where i begin to tell my boyfriend about a problem i have or something im upset about, i well up before i even begin and all the rational, make sense things fly out of my head as i try to be rational with tears streaming down my face and a wobble in my voice. i end up with him frustrated at my crying (again!) and me even more frustrated because whatever i wanted to say was lost and not taken seriously.
i find myself writing letters or emails to get my point across, which is not always good as things can look very different on paper than said in real life. case in point- was just about to send my bf an email to explain i feel hurt when he doesnt take things i think are important, seriously at all. ie. going on holidays. surely it is reasonable to want to go away from time to time? he told me he doesnt want to, and to 'get over it'. im now thinking email is not the answer, likely it will be misinterpreted as having a go. can i say it tonight without crying...making a big deal...
agh, is there ever such a thing as the perfect argument (reason, way of explaining something so it makes sense) if there is, i would sure like to know what it is.
however, bfs revelation holidays are not his thing, at least, while disappointing and saddening me immensly that he refuses to do this with me, led me to new revelations myself. i have to make my own fun! i cant rely on him for it. as much as it pisses me off, i have to make my own holidays, good times. is it enough though? i think one of the most important parts of relationships is experiencing things together. if he wont do that with me... theres a problem.
this is making me feel worse, not better.
signing off

first post

my first post. well, really my second, by i had another blog and i could remember the user name...or password (smart). im not really expecting anyone to read this, but i want somewhere to put my thoughts as they come to me. where better than the internet, haha. but really, i dont want them in some dusty word document hidden away. just thoughts....

and first, something i think about a lot, put into a list.

i am always freaking about getting the most of life, and wanting to make something of it so i dont look back and see it as a waste. i wonder whether i make te righ decisions that will lead to the best things, and then i have seen this around lately that describes me perfectly- a bucket list. a list of things to do before i die. perfect! then once i fulfil them, i can rest easy and relax, or otherwise strive on to the next thing to cross off my bucket list. there are things big and small, but all of them are important. some i want to do more than once. here it is, ill probably add to it.

1. go walking through a rainforest,they always look so beautiful

2. related to above, go swimming in a waterfall pond. strangely, whenever i am really hungover, i think of diving into a icy cold, calm but alive waterfall pool. it always helps me and i would love to do it for real

3. go on a trek, see the ruins of lost civilisations in peru. perhaps this is just because i saw indiana jones the other day, but the word peru has always drawn me

4. go to ireland, or scotland. in fact there are many places i want to go. south america, america (niagra falls!!!), las vegas, new york, then south africa, the wide open spaces and heat just...yes..., vietnam, new zealand to go sky diving and bungee jumping and freaky things..., many more places but all in time

5. go on a road trip down the great ocean road. go on a road trip anywhere really

6. go to the snow many more times

7. go to the zoo, monarto and the normal one

8. go the elephant walk

9. finish my law degree

10. get married i think (but only for good, not just to get married. divorce is nOT on the bucket list

11. have children. gosh i love babies, i can hardly wait, although definitely not now.

12. write some more poems. good ones, meaningful ones

13. go ice skating

14. have a picnic

15. go camping, somewhere in SA, so many lovely places, ive always loved camping

16. get a massage

17. make a dinner with entree main course and dessert

18. go on a wine tour (happening next weekend!)

19. give blood

20. volunteer

21. stay in a nice hotel in my own home town

thats it for now. i HAVE to go do some work.

but next post. relationships...confusing.

xxx