exams

exam time. exam time is a curious one for me. i spend all semester thinking of it with a drop of my stomach, for that is the time when i am judged, and if not seen worthy i am not sure what will happen. failure isnt really an option, i never have and the thought of it makes me cringe, if not simply dreading have to do a subject again. it also would expose me as not being that smart person i claim to be, HELLO i am studying law, etc??? when really i dont think im that smart at all. i used to, but spending ur time with those prepared to study ten times harder and use their brain power to a much larger extent does that to u. i am not as smart as i think i am, or was.

So why, still do i procrastinate to the point of ridiculous? i dont rememebr this in school. sure i procrastinated, but i did my work. i am finding it hard to get any study done, or nothing that is productive. i have days and days just to do it, and yet it is impossible. perhaps it is too boring? maybe it is my trepidation about law holding me back. or just plain laziness and wanting to be doing something more fun.

i always wonder what i will end up doing and about my law degree. the idea of being a corporate lawyer, working into the night and making partner in some 20 years time is possibly the most unappealing idea ive ever heard, not matter what the BF thinks is great. international law...sounds a little more interesting. my volunteer work whcih im planning on doing could help this cause. hmmmm.

i just feel a little unsure about where its all going. but first. to pass these exams. is it possible????

IT HAS TO BE

birhday times

it was my birthday yesterday. i had a fun day, weekend really, starting on fri night with dinner with friends (some of who had not met or not really knowing eachother, it was nice to join them together) and continuing on through the wknd. i had disappointment, because i didnt get what i hoped i might from the bf (still holding out for the thing he told me wasnt going to happen) but ive come to realise that perhaps, i was expecting too much. he did try, and it was sweet. sometimes, having expectations just means that 99 % of the time, youll be worse off, rather than just happy. i think i need to let go of things more. just enjoy, rahter than analysing and worrying. but how to stop...hmm
another thing on my mind, especially after this wknd, is my exam prep (or lack of). i cant imagine failing....i need to work harder. nothing ive done is harder or more complicated than this LOC though!! i feel like i need to non stop work from now on and really put my head down. but next wknd is sooobusy as well...aghhh
when i can, maybe later today, i think i might make a letter from my future self, like marissa's.
maybe similar to my bucket list, perhaps with more advice
xxx

all emotional

is it all girls like this or just the emotional ones like me?
where i begin to tell my boyfriend about a problem i have or something im upset about, i well up before i even begin and all the rational, make sense things fly out of my head as i try to be rational with tears streaming down my face and a wobble in my voice. i end up with him frustrated at my crying (again!) and me even more frustrated because whatever i wanted to say was lost and not taken seriously.
i find myself writing letters or emails to get my point across, which is not always good as things can look very different on paper than said in real life. case in point- was just about to send my bf an email to explain i feel hurt when he doesnt take things i think are important, seriously at all. ie. going on holidays. surely it is reasonable to want to go away from time to time? he told me he doesnt want to, and to 'get over it'. im now thinking email is not the answer, likely it will be misinterpreted as having a go. can i say it tonight without crying...making a big deal...
agh, is there ever such a thing as the perfect argument (reason, way of explaining something so it makes sense) if there is, i would sure like to know what it is.
however, bfs revelation holidays are not his thing, at least, while disappointing and saddening me immensly that he refuses to do this with me, led me to new revelations myself. i have to make my own fun! i cant rely on him for it. as much as it pisses me off, i have to make my own holidays, good times. is it enough though? i think one of the most important parts of relationships is experiencing things together. if he wont do that with me... theres a problem.
this is making me feel worse, not better.
signing off

first post

my first post. well, really my second, by i had another blog and i could remember the user name...or password (smart). im not really expecting anyone to read this, but i want somewhere to put my thoughts as they come to me. where better than the internet, haha. but really, i dont want them in some dusty word document hidden away. just thoughts....

and first, something i think about a lot, put into a list.

i am always freaking about getting the most of life, and wanting to make something of it so i dont look back and see it as a waste. i wonder whether i make te righ decisions that will lead to the best things, and then i have seen this around lately that describes me perfectly- a bucket list. a list of things to do before i die. perfect! then once i fulfil them, i can rest easy and relax, or otherwise strive on to the next thing to cross off my bucket list. there are things big and small, but all of them are important. some i want to do more than once. here it is, ill probably add to it.

1. go walking through a rainforest,they always look so beautiful

2. related to above, go swimming in a waterfall pond. strangely, whenever i am really hungover, i think of diving into a icy cold, calm but alive waterfall pool. it always helps me and i would love to do it for real

3. go on a trek, see the ruins of lost civilisations in peru. perhaps this is just because i saw indiana jones the other day, but the word peru has always drawn me

4. go to ireland, or scotland. in fact there are many places i want to go. south america, america (niagra falls!!!), las vegas, new york, then south africa, the wide open spaces and heat just...yes..., vietnam, new zealand to go sky diving and bungee jumping and freaky things..., many more places but all in time

5. go on a road trip down the great ocean road. go on a road trip anywhere really

6. go to the snow many more times

7. go to the zoo, monarto and the normal one

8. go the elephant walk

9. finish my law degree

10. get married i think (but only for good, not just to get married. divorce is nOT on the bucket list

11. have children. gosh i love babies, i can hardly wait, although definitely not now.

12. write some more poems. good ones, meaningful ones

13. go ice skating

14. have a picnic

15. go camping, somewhere in SA, so many lovely places, ive always loved camping

16. get a massage

17. make a dinner with entree main course and dessert

18. go on a wine tour (happening next weekend!)

19. give blood

20. volunteer

21. stay in a nice hotel in my own home town

thats it for now. i HAVE to go do some work.

but next post. relationships...confusing.

xxx